In her might

The tree stood mighty for thousands of years, her silent branches reaching heavenward to welcome the light and the warmth.  And she has survived in time through all seasons weathering sorrow and despair, guarding her saplings that lay in the shadows of her wings.

And in her greatest pain she is rudderless, for there are no roots beneath the loosened soil.  She comes from no one.  Who remarks on her beauty and admires her strength when she stands alone.  What holds her in place and keeps her strong.  Courage is born of faith and through Him she will carry hope

I'll never be

I will never be

what you do not see

so you set me free

where does that leave me?

Ghost

In her shadow

She taunts me

I wait

What if

This binds me

She is not real

Still he clings

What if

Is this enough

For me

I am free

What if

Me

I see you.

Touch me.

Feel me.

Take me.

Forget me.

Remember me.

Hold me.

Want me.

Tell me.

I am yours.

Us

Two souls lost.  One heart beating. A path separate entwined. Together.  Past loss lays buried. A troubled soul.  Aloof his indifference is but fear. His hurt. His pain. Keeps him chained.  His light shines bright. I am blinded but he does not see.  I see his good.  His word is my truth. This heart falters. 

Unchained. Freedom in my grasp. I am warned. His hands push me away. Gentle he keeps me close. I breathe finally.  I wrap his arm around me. I gather him near to breast. He fills me.  With him I discover who I was meant to be. This barrier. He pushes. I wonder does he see me.

His sorrow tears at my soul. He teaches me. His art his voice his story.  He is untethered. This man.  His voice proclaims choice and peace and love.  His soul bared he is a mere man battered broken neglected.  Do you see him? He is gentle and kind.  Feel his strength.  He is his own God inspired by this universe. 

As we lay. I feel his warmth. Every freckle. Scar. I need this.  I need him.  This.  Us.  His face in passion in joy in sadness. His heart with mine. For this moment.  Does he see what I see?  Does he miss me when I am gone?

Who she was

Her mind this prison.  She says my name and smiles.  Restless she yearns for all that she has lost in her physical world.  Her soul strong.  She fights.  She forgets my name still she smiles.  She longs for her brothers lost. Her world slipping from her.  A dark shadow across this vivid carousel of her past.  She goes around and around.  She asked about dad today.  His betrayal she forgives.  She wants what she knows.  What she remembers.  Familiarity brings her comfort.  The tragedy of her reality simply a chapter of this life she has lived.

Losing her home her belongings her husband.  Everything she knew.  Does she forget what she has lost?  On her good days we reminisce letting her tell the stories of when I was her baby girl.  I share pictures.  We sit sometimes in silence each drawing comfort and strength from each other’s presence.  Change for us both.  Discovering our boundaries forgiving our anger her confusion my impatience.  Deserving of so much more she wears every battle proudly.  Ugly scars emblazoned on such a gentle soul.

 

On her bad days she rages.  Angry with him and God.  I yield to her lashes.  Fear in what she cannot describe.  Cannot explain.  Humbled I weep for who I remember her to be wanting needing one person to anchor me.  Give me root.  It is not her.  She is everything familiar.  But inside she is no longer there.  I get so angry at her.  Reach I beg of her.  Think.  Remember.

I do take joy in her. I do miss her.  I will cherish every memory from a past glorious.  Look and see what cannot be taken from her.  Heart. Soul. Humility. Strength. Courage. This is for Mae.

with this voice

Choose yourself.  A small voice tells you otherwise.  Force in the thousand voices it commands.  Shouting at you.  Faceless.  Cowardice.  Victims too of the game.

Change.  This heat from within excites.  Pleases.  An awakening spiritual.  Physical.  Knowing who you are.  Who you have always been.  Filled.  Unmasked your destiny a reflection of the soul untethered.  This heart beats strong.  Desire heavy in your loins. Wanton.  Simple need lay heavy upon your breast.  Kiss these lips.  Taste the woman.  Unchained explore her soft curves. Mind of steel. Touch her. She soars. Her wings kissing the wind. A miracle.  Her enlightenment.

Smile soft. This choice.  Discover her know her be her. Fists risen we rejoice.  Celebrate the girl the woman.  Her decision her independence.  Silent no longer.  She feels renewed in her strength. Mighty is the victor who reaches for sky settles not for less than deserved.  This stake.  This ground.  Spoils of war. Bask in the beauty of a woman un-denied.  Chapter one.  Can you feel her?  A woman on fire.

in the name of the father

A father loves.  He guides.  Teaches.  Challenges.  My heart is full of memories.  He worked very hard to make this life I lived happy.  We moved considerably for reasons a child need not know or understand.  Each address truly was home.  He gave us structure.  He was my coach.  My mentor.  He encouraged me and made me believe I could when I thought I could not.  Together we had a passion for music and reading.  He challenged me in baseball until I learned to catch the damn ball.  I learned respect from him.  He was the greatest story teller.

This one day to celebrate his gifts.  Our love for him.  This one day to reflect on his absence.  To wonder if he on this day or any day does he think about me.  I falter with every attempt to reconcile the great honorable man from my childhood to the stranger he has become.  His life means no less loss.  My heart mourns the good that I will still cling to.  I will always wonder why.

 

The passage of time.  And with maturity comes clarity. Seeing my memories as stories, fables for the first time. A whisper of truth wound with fairytale ribbons borne of a young soul.  Constant.  Very much in his shadow.  A woman with a love pure.  A heart kind.  A soul generous.  She provided stability for our family.  The quiet strength of the anchor rooting the mighty ship in tumultuous seas.  This is who I will be celebrating this Father’s Day and every day.  My mom.

It's time

Inside are all these lies.  We try to make sense of them.  We reconcile them.  We wrap them in understanding.  We pretend they don’t exist. But we are just ok with them.

And no matter how much we think we have changed on the outside everything that is building on the inside is fighting to come out.  It’s time.  You can only pretend for so long.  You can only find happiness in what is false for so long. 

You sit on bended knee and you pray to your God.  And your faith.  You meditate.  You transcend.  It is irrelevant.  All of that is designed to help you make sense of the lies that are inside.  Good people have lies inside of them.

This life.  Is not so simple.  It is not so pure.  There is meaning in this chaos. I cannot breathe. My thoughts do not conquer this heart.  I cannot hear what you do not say.  Silenced I am afraid.  I am the great pretender.  I cannot fear your goodbye.  With eyes averted I do not see.  Ashes of this fire burnt. This soul broken held in your world.  Bruised. It's time.

Play me

Master Player.  Chameleon.  I am who you need me to be.  Mime.  My voice is silenced.  Architect.  I live in a world I helped you to create.  You say angel.  I give.

This guilt weighted solid.  Manipulation bears compliance.  Bend shape me.  Free form you mold me.  I am caged. Those who keep me, selfish.  I am afraid.  Exposed.  See me.  This smile fades in shadow.  In fight hers is a life alone uprooted tethered to nothing no one. False blood pours through her veins.  An empty river.  They share nothing no one.  They are no longer.

If you look.  Remnants memories of fondness.  Achingly remembered. Stories like folklore woven into her core.  Fables once beloved die a fairytale.  Loose threads. No chapter unwritten.  I will.  I do.  I have.  I give.  Spent needing.  No measure of belonging.  Unrequited.

She is queen of her tribe.  Her feathers worn.  Triumphant in her darkest battles worn in her path to freedom.  Her drum beats loudly.  Vibrations shake loose the soil beneath her slippers.  Wizened.  She tells her story in the fires that blaze.  The heroes.  The fallen.  Majesty in recovery. 

Caged. Contained only within this vast wondrous space we exist.  Our souls bound to an earth of our choosing.  This reality mine.  I offer nothing.  From the ashen flames the eagle rises.  Ripe for transformation.  I am a fucking square in a world of circles.  I choose this.  This is my song.  This is my dance.

awakening

Self-discovery is exploration.  Removal of boundaries.  Elimination of fear exposure judgement.  In my life I have had this idea of who I was who I wanted to be.  My eyes into this world my health my journey.  I cowered.  While free I felt restraint chained to the chasms of the old thought processes that beleaguered any real progress.  I faltered in the shadows of those I perceived worthy their expertise.  They looked, felt and were the epitome of what I idolized.  False idols.

My soul bled.  Each of my stories releasing triumph and sorrows from a path taken each integral to who I am today.  But I have so much more to give.  Connecting to the girl beneath.  Awakening her thoughts her desires to be all blossoming a flower unfurled reaching to the heat of the sun.  In this journey I invite you to come with me.  See through these eyes.  

Through the songs that move me shape me carry me.  In the calm that soothes me inspires me.  The foods that nourish me.  How I am loved.  I take this life and challenge myself to be more do more.  Come.  Share in this with me my story is your story.  Kindred we will laugh and cry.  As I relearn this life push these boundaries and fight for what is real I want you with me.  Our choices.  Our beliefs.  How exciting this walk undefined into what is new. I welcome this. 

in my head

This space.  Doubt filled challenging what is right.  A father teacher and guide.  His voice an echo strong forbearing.  Solemn.  What is right his truth.  A mother’s guilt.  Inside my head a desire to escape the noise the path that I have taken wanton to explore what lays dormant unfulfilled unexplored.  My purest desires.  I want to sing.  Let me soar lend my voice to the angels carry me high in their wings freedom is mine. Dare I?

I want.  I need.  I feel.  Who cast their stones on freedom, of choice? A path divergent a whisper of denial.   Judging me scorning me.  A false god his pedestal crumbles swallowing his righteousness showing his reality releasing me from his tenacious hold.  Let me be.  Who judges me?

The girl.  Perfection in her story.  A façade shallow.  Daughter dutiful.  Sister convenient.  Woman of no substance chameleon.  She sheds this skin.  The air sweet fragrant with flower in bloom.  A gentle wind whispers across a blue sky bright with sun.  She is naked her soul bared for all who thought they knew her.  She smiles for she is finally free.  

Do you see me?

I see not color or shape.  I hear words spoken.  Feel touches gentle.  Honesty and truth achieved when there is no measure.  I see not man.  Or woman.  Child or privileged.  Equality granted on what is borne of within.  What we create.  How we give.  I am my voice my thoughts and my gifts.  All freedom costs.  Thin veneers of pretense mask our reality.  Shed your second skin bare your soul. 

When I close my eyes.  Your sound rings clear.  Muddled not with external prejudice.   Your creativity and kindness, tender heart and willpower all strengths defining you.  No longer hidden in shadow.  My light bright.  Eyes closed. We kiss knowing only lips.  All of our sorrow and pain unmasked wanting to be seen. All that is broken. Damaged. Exposed and fragile.  Our new truth.

This balance.  We are all the same.  Stripped of our shells.  Freedom to be.  Our breath our purpose revealed. Glorious we unite.  In death our souls pass through leaving what must not be valued.  This new sight blessings explored and discovered.  Health. Happiness. Love. Friendship.  Uprooted our core lifted is no longer counted.  This is me.  Do you see me?