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Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Great Pretender

I want to be liked.  I feel joy when I have your full attention.  I am what my father referred to with disdain a people pleaser.  With one noticeable exception when I was living his lies in his world being his puppet dancing to his pulpit I was dutiful.  I hate conflict. I am a soother of frayed nerves a mender of hurt souls.  If you are kind I am in your pocket because quite frankly I see only the best in everyone forgiving and never challenging.  A bubble of pretense with glass floors, I was stifled and led by fear of what you might take away so I gave what I thought you wanted or needed so I could get what I so desperately craved. 

The ability to shout from the rooftops what I really think and for you to be ok and know that our relationship was not tethered to a solid yes-man deliverance.  Challenge is only fodder for conversation with depth and meaning.  I want truth and loyalty.  I need kindness. I have exchanged trivialities empty of meaning or truth or loyalty.  Take this moment to get to know the real me – what I believe in and who I root for, what makes me smile and what makes me weep what will you decide then?  Who is the girl behind the laughter?  Will you like her I wonder?

I am a chameleon. I blend.  I am that girl you may not quite recall because I live on the precipice of conformity.  I know what I like and know emphatically who I am and will never be anything other than just that but I will not defend nor raise war flags to claim my voice.  I am not on a hilltop but in the foothills a silent soldier.  I work hard.  I love fiercely. I hurt too easily. I am the great pretender.  

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